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[instinctively, yusuke wonders who it is, and what on earth could have possessed them to turn down ren, of all people. but he knows that not everyone sees ren the way he does, too.

too bad for them, really.]

That's... I see. You were worried that your feelings might not be genuine.

[ You don't have to look far to find out.

Also, wrong - Ren shakes his head a bit. ]

I was worried that my feelings for you would be given for the wrong reasons.

[ Genuine? Yeah. ]

[yusuke will never figure out who it is unless it's spelled out for him]

That you feel hurt and wish to be comforted?

[he's parsing it, give him time]

[ It'll come out sooner or later. Ren's interest in honesty at the moment is strong even with its unwanted aftereffects, and knowing Yusuke Ryuji might be in for a baffled interrogation. ]

Yes. I don't need to hurt you with a rebound.

[ The breathy, hushed tone of his voice tells it all: he's not proud of it. He picks at the tattered akin around his nails, old nervous habits having come back with a vengeance in recent weeks, riding on the wave of stress and anxiety. ]

I would have hung out with my friends anyway though. I rely on you to center me, but... I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm tired, man.

[yusuke sets down his palette and brush, and slides his fingers along ren's face, brushing hair from his cheeks, framing his face with his hands. he's peering into ren's eyes, studying him, gaze almost seeming to pin him in place]

It is no sin to want to be comforted when you are feeling worn and tired, least of all from your friends. I would never begrudge you that.

[a sudden thought occurs to him, a way to express himself in the best way he knows how]

Are you familiar with the art of kintsugi?

[ H-hey -

This whole ordeal has been a big reminder than even Ren isn't immune to the goddamn dokis. Cheeks warming instantly, he doesn't have shields besides his glasses to protect hismekf from the immediacy of Yusuke's regard.

What he'll see in there? Anxiety, a well-worn pattern of sleeping too little and then too much, probably. Yusuke hasn't been with him from the start but he has, sure enough, always had a clear view of Ren and the bluntness to express it concisely and without judgement. It's what he's admired about Yusuke for a long, long time. ]

It's - [ Oh good, he didn't think there'd be a quiz today. What was that in Japanese history class, one of the days that Kawakami got him some free time... ] - the art of repairing things using gold. It's a flexible metal, so gold it pretty ideal for it.

[no one expects the yusuke inquisition!!!1]

Indeed. Lacquer ware and ceramics that have been repaired in the kintsugi technique are always readily obvious--it's hard to ignore seams of gold filling cracks and indentations where a piece was shattered. Sensei once said that kintsugi invokes the idea that something broken and put back together is more beautiful than it was before, but I don't know if I agree with that, myself. I think of kintsugi as a way to acknowledge the history of an item, even if it involves breaking. A bowl does not have to be discarded upon breaking; it can continue to be used, so long as there is some way to put it back together.

[yusuke's thumb strokes over ren's cheekbone, a gentle gesture, a comfort for him]

Right now, you are like a bowl that has been broken, and the bonds you have forged the gold that will repair you and let you be born anew. The cracks are there, yes, but you are still whole. You will not be discarded. You will just be different.

Edited 2018-07-30 16:39 (UTC)

[ It isn't fair.

Why could someone cross the wires and ruin a friendship so spectacularly when there was someone who he already loved, who loved him, and nothing had to be destroyed for it to become known?

The shine in Ren's eyes speaks equally of heartache and gratitude, Ren slamming them shut before abruptly dropping his face to bury it harshly into Yusuke's front, arms tight around him and tighter by the second. ]

Why couldn't it have been you.

Ah--

[yusuke can't hide his surprise at the sudden force of ren burying his face in his chest, and he's uncertain how to respond, his hands hovering awkwardly in midair. he doesn't want to hug him back because it'll ruin the paint, but he wants to comfort him somehow... so he holds the back of ren's head and pets his hair.

there's a part of him that wants to tilt ren's face up and say it can be and show him the depth of his feelings, make it clear how close yusuke wants ren to be--but even he knows that's not what ren needs right now, and it would be an entirely selfish act on yusuke's part.]

I... don't wish to cause you any distress like this. I'm sorry if my words had the opposite intended effect.

[ There are types of people whose bodies aren't built for too many emotions attempting to squeeze through a small space at once. Ren isn't that person - he'd raised a force a felled pillars of an unjust society without batting an eyelash, without entertaining doubt overlong, and walked into a jail sentence without any regrets about protecting his friends in doing so. Ren can handle complex emotion.

At a safe distance.

Here Ren shakes his head, face rubbing tiredly into Yusuke's chest because articulating something as simple and powerful as no, I'm just grateful to have you seems a tremendous feat for a very small, infinitely expanding moment of time that Ren, in his weakness, allows himself. ]

You're fine, Yusuke.

[ren seems comfortable where he is, shirtless and huddled into yusuke's chest, and yusuke can't say he minds it. so perhaps they'll just stay like this... that's fine, isn't it? that's not such a selfish thing to want. especially since ren seems to need some kind of physical comfort.

that's what yusuke tells himself, anyway.]

Very well. If there is ever anything you need, please do not hesitate to ask me. I would do anything for you.

[that sort of phrasing is hyperbole, but... not by much.]

Edited 2018-08-03 09:08 (UTC)

[ In any other context being shirtless and huddled into a hot guy's chest sounds like a good start to a good night. It's for the better that ren won't let himself act on that selfishness, that for all he's fucked in the head and heart right now the structures that he put into place are largely intact - Yusuke fits easily under the umbrella of his protection, so he can't let himself be a source of rain, isn't that right?

If Ren needs this and Yusuke is fine giving it to him, is that enough of a reason to take it? In his mind's eye Ren can't help but see all the moments he thought were hints to him, terrible sincerity and a gorgeous lack of self-awareness that made Ren's heart flutter with hope and he sees it again in Yusuke, but when he thinks of continuing on the idea sours in his mouth. He can't, he won't lead him on.

So how then to balance that with his damned neediness? Ren wants to tell him not to lay himself out like that, to hold something back for himself in case Ren eventually can't give him the answer he wants. Because he knows how tightly that crushes a heart.

The moment passes and Ren can breathe through the hardship with the aid of Yusuke's hands soft on the curve of his skull. Against that wish in his heart Ren sighs softly and draws away again, nodding and offering a wan smile up at Yusuke. ]

Yeah. Really, I appreciate it, Yusuke.

Um, you know you basically called me a work of art, right?

[ Nervous laughter; who'd... who'd do that except Yusuke. ]

Indeed I did. And I won't take it back.

[there's a hint of playfulness in his tone, like he might, possibly, do a flirt???? no, surely not. (:eyes:)

he lets go of ren so he can move if he wants to, though his fingers linger for a moment at the back of ren's neck, toying with the tufts of hair there. yusuke would very much like to keep his hands there for as long as ren will let him, but the painting isn't done yet.]

Are you ready to continue?

[ A flirt!? Who could say...

For Ren's part he tips his head back into the light pressure at his nape not unlike a cat seeking pets, traces of the emotional display falling slowly by the wayside. he can't help but laugh a little at how quickly the tables turn; the artist really is bent on his craft, eh? ]

Far be it for me to keep you from it.

[ He sounds tired but happy, however, turning around to retake his position and favor the unpainted side. ]

If you keep complimenting me like this I'm going to have to do something drastic to make the playing field even.

[good kitty? yusuke will remember that, the way ren's head tips back when yusuke pets the back of his neck...]

Something drastic? Just what is it you have in mind, I wonder?

[he takes a seat behind ren and begins mixing the paint to work on the other half of his back, short cool brush strokes starting up again along his skin]

That's for me to not know and you to be assaulted with when the mood strikes me.

[ Ren likes the game, has liked flirting openly since he knew it was a thing late in middle school and fewer people knew what to do with him, let alone himself. Who was that kid? Where did he go? The Ren sitting here letting his very much infatuated friend paint his naked back with a strange confidence bears little resemblance to the one that left Inaba in handcuffs.

He lays his head back down, comfortable enough to come out with it now, if this is going to go anywhere. ]

It's Ryuji. [ Big breath in, and out. ] By the way. Just so you know.

Why it's been a real hard time for me, I mean.

[ryuji? what about ryuji?

it takes yusuke a moment to parse what ren's saying, and when he does, the brush stills on ren's back. ryuji is the one ren has feelings for? ryuji is the one who can't return them? ryuji is the one who broke his heart?

yusuke... feels a surge of anger on behalf of ren, but it fades quickly. ryuji must have his reasons, even if they're ones yusuke can't begin to imagine. and he may not always be the most delicate member of the phantom thieves, but even yusuke knows not to get between them when they're both working things out.

still, it's frustrating. he wishes ren didn't have to feel this way.]

Forgive me for saying so, but he is a fool. You deserve to be with someone who returns your feelings properly.

[ It's not anyone's fault, really. It sucks. Ren's tired of thinking about it, running over what he did or didn't do, how he handled Hell Week and why opening his mouth mattered in the first place, what a shit position he put Ryuji in. Working it like a wound in his mouth, and even after considering that some people just aren't a fit for each other. It's no one's fault that Ryuji doesn't want him.

Ren's back fills and dips with a sigh, hoping that this car crash is close to burning itself out finally.

... ]

You're a good guy, Yusuke.

[ As much as Ren wants to know why, he doesn't want Yusuke to grief it out of him; he doesn't need Thieves going at other Thieves for Ren's sake.

Pfft. That's kind of funny. Ren's started a workplace kerfluffle by wanting to date inside the company. ]

I don't think I'm good for anyone where I am right now.

[yusuke continues painting, holding ren's arm aloft at the elbow while he paints the back of ren's other shoulder, so that he can keep it at the angle he wants]

I understand what you are saying, but I must contest the idea that you are only worthy of love and care when you are feeling well. Even in times of turmoil, you are still good. You still deserve to be cherished.

[perhaps to emphasize his point, yusuke removes his brush and reaches up to pet the nape of ren's neck gently.]

[ Worthy? Well... yeah. Ren's been beaten down by life again and again this past year but he didn't think he wasn't worthy of being cared for. Something about how Yusuke says it rankles and rubs already abraded, tender spots within him and Ren tries holding on as best he can, wanting abruptly to not be here, not hurt Yusuke's feelings, but refuse to be submissive to something as simple as attention, too. ]

That's not what I'm saying.

Don't you get that I'm trying to keep us all together? I can't - hurt everyone just because I can't get a grip on my feelings

[confusion and worry crosses yusuke's face--not that ren can see his expression right now. he withdraws his hand with a realization of i've upset him and mixes the paint on his pallet some more so that his hands don't keep wandering.]

... I am sorry. I spoke without thinking.

[ren could never hurt him. or rather, ren could never do something to make yusuke want to leave him--yusuke believes that. so even if he breaks down, yusuke wouldn't turn him away. he's not afraid of ren's feelings, whatever they are.]

I only... want you to know that I will never judge you for feeling the way you feel.

It's fine.

[ It has to be. Ren's not going to get through the next couple days if it isn't. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, if Ren can't find it in him to be fine with how things are then he's in a lot more trouble than he thought.

Breaking down in front of someone he likes didn't turn out well the first time. He doesn't want to try a second. ]

...Just leave it.

As you wish.

[yusuke wants to ask, wants to tell ren that he shouldn't hide his feelings, not from him, and for a moment he opens his mouth to say it--and has to stop himself. not right now. no, you'll only look desperate. he bites his lip to keep himself from saying anything further, and focuses on his painting.]

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