artisticliberty | [reverie] inbox.

[ it isn't selfish. Or, he hopes it isn't selfish to want someone, and for them to know you want them and to try to coexist with them without acting on those desires. Not only because of Ren's predicament, his self-loathing, but to spare Yusuke the same.

He should. He should... do. Whatever it is he needs to figure out. ]

Would that be okay? I don't want to impose, and anyway I bet the paint will take a little bit to dry. Then we can take pictures to your satisfaction and for posterity. Sound good?

[ The brief tense in his neck goes quickly. Maybe Ren is a bit more relaxed after, nestling his head into his arms with a tiny patch of heat making contact. ]

I will. You can go ahead, Yusuke.

To be honest, that sounds ideal to me. Please don't hold back on my behalf.

[spending an afternoon with ren, painting him and relaxing with him? yusuke's had daydreams about this. without further ado, he begins to paint over ren's back, in short, small strokes to begin the first traces of feathers at the top of ren's spine. the paint is cool, yes, but it doesn't stay cold for very long. yusuke's short, focused brushstrokes may be helping with that.

his other hand has to hold the palette, so there's no more of yusuke's fingertips gently brushing ren's skin. yusuke seems comfortable with the silence, and doesn't expect ren to break it unless he wants to.]

[ It's good advice. Ren hums his assent, mulling over what that would mean in this case. Something wonderful that Ren could reach for if he knew how to, if it was okay and free of doubt. Maybe better to do what he felt capable of.

And this would be the calmest afternoon Ren has had in a while. He was afraid of the paint's coldness but Yusuke's diligence is a kindness, his skin acclimatizing quickly, a canvas that soaks color eagerly. It's a fair replacement for the warmth of Yusuke's fingers, more than fair because paint is the conduit for Yusuke's love and that is applied in quick, careful strokes. He exists to make the world more beautiful than it was.

And... Ren supposes that he needs that right now - to be what Yusuke sees him as.

It's comfortable and familiar to lay here, quiet, directing his thoughts away from rougher waters, a task that's, funny enough, harder to do without Yusuke's touch. The paintbrush should be just as good - it's an extension of Yusuke, after all. But something also lacks that Ren can't explain and doesn't want to ask about.

For a while he embraces the silence, preferring it to the nervous noise he made and heard in the past few weeks just to fill the air, to dispel dangerous sentiment. Anger. So, so much sadness.

He doesn't want to interrupt Yusuke's concentration but the question rises to his tongue almost without his meaning to, very softly. ]

Does this make you happy?

[yusuke's reply comes from somewhere near ren's ear, a warm, fond chuckle]

Of course it does. I would have thought I'd have been obvious about my enjoyment of it. Painting, yes, but painting you specifically? Brings me immense joy.

[100% from the heart--that's yusuke. he's never been very good at hiding his true feelings.]

[ It's sheepish, but a smile is there in his voice. ]

Sounds dumb when I ask it like that.

[ True feelings are something that it's getting harder for Ren to discern, and that's why he asked. when you spend all this time thinking you're seeing something, hearing something, interpreting it as one thing when it turns out to be wrong in very specific way you tend to start doubting yourself severely. You unlearn what it is to trust yourself if you suffer such a deep wound.

Yusuke being so open with him feels incredibly important even as he fights his senses and their newfound mistrust. Ren wants To Know. ]

It brings me immense joy to bring you immense joy, how about that.

I've been thinking about that a lot as of late - my friends and how they inform who I am. What I should do when something gets in the way of that, and how to overcome it.

[ Yusuke would be right to assume that this is on the nose with what they talked about last time they hung out, though "hung out" is an awfully casual term for that evening. ]

I guess what I mean is my bonds are all I can count on here to get me through, so I need to do whatever I can to keep them strong even when a lot of uncertainty is suddenly injected into the stream.

So. I want to make you happy, Yusuke.

[there's no response except yusuke's quiet and careful brush strokes, and then... softly, his fingers touch the nape of ren's neck, just the fingertips.]

Nothing can threaten our bond. I will still love you even if you aren't at your best. Even if you decide you cannot return my feelings. Even if we are galaxies apart. Do you understand that, Ren?

[ ~~Just the fingertip, eh~~

Ren's in no position to argue Yusuke's feelings, nodding into his arms. Something about the touch pulls him up short though, the fact that his breath hitches just that briefest moment barely audible over the him of the station's engines. Beneath the table, Ren's toes curl inside their shoes.

How then... ]

If I didn't... Hypothetically speaking, if I didn't return them how is it that you wouldn't be hurt? Or does that hurt not matter?

[ Are you just stronger than I am? ]

To have my feelings acknowledged... that, more than anything else, is what I wanted. Of course I want my feelings to be returned. Of course I want there to be no obstacles between us. Of course it hurts, knowing we cannot be together the way I wish for. But you have already given me the most important thing, the thing I needed the most--your trust, and your honesty, and your willingness to accept my feelings.

[yusuke has to pause and swallow something in his throat, because despite his determination, there is still some pain to overcome. but he's willing to keep going.]

That means everything, to me. That is why I will not allow the hurt to overwhelm me. That is why I keep painting.

[ Ah, he sees. Yusuke is a better person than he is.

If it were Ren... anger is too present within him to be able to push it down completely, and the bitterness that sticks in the back of his throat is calling, like to spit out if he opens his mouth at the wrong time. It's why he can't go directly to the source of it, why he has to spend time to steady himself first. ]

I'm asking hypothetically.

[ He's smiling with his voice again, but it's tinted wet at the edges. The possibility still exists, after all, but it has to clear a few bars before Ren will let himself - ]

I wouldn't do anything to make you think your feelings are unwelcome, cuz they're not. I have... all the love and time in the world for you, whichever way this goes.

[maybe. but he loves ren.]

Then I consider myself quite fortunate. Stretch out your arm for me, if you would.

[yusuke continues to paint in those short, quick brush strokes along the back of ren's shoulder and arm, until the tips of the feathers on his right side are done]

Would you like to take a break? I'm about halfway done at this point.

[ Ren loves Ryuji too. Loving Yusuke as well just seems painfully selfish of Ren at that point and he'll feel guilty about it as he wants to whike Ren obediently extending his arm, the brush licking down it. ]

Yeah, I could use a stretch. Thanks.

[ Ren is careful not to ruin Yusuke's work when he rises and gently rolls kinks out of his neck. There aren't any mirrors in here, but if he turns he can catch the dark tips in his peripheral thanks to his thin frame, the work only half done.

It... also leaves no more barrier between him and Yusuke when Ren takes a seat on the table's edge, bending forward to avoid smudging the paint. This has the side effect of bringing him and Yusuke's eyeline about level. ]

I do know what you're going through. If I didn't have any reservations you wouldn't have to be, but I'm glad you told me.

[yusuke had his head down, busy with mixing more paint, but when ren's gaze enters his periphery, he glances at him out of the corner of his eye]

... what are your reservations, if I might ask?

[he understood that ren was concerned about thinking of someone else while intimate with him, but only in a vague sense. it was a good enough reason for him, but kind of abstract, too.]

[ Ren nods; fair enough. He hasn't exactly been forthcoming, but it's also kinda unsavory with how recently everything's gone down. ]

That I... also fessed up to liking someone, and was soundly turned down.

And I haven't really talked to him since.

[ Biting at his lips, Ren shifts uncomfortably, eyes falling to the floor. ]

I didn't want to come to you and return your feelings without considering the possibility that I might only do it out of a... hm. A need to feel better.

[instinctively, yusuke wonders who it is, and what on earth could have possessed them to turn down ren, of all people. but he knows that not everyone sees ren the way he does, too.

too bad for them, really.]

That's... I see. You were worried that your feelings might not be genuine.

[ You don't have to look far to find out.

Also, wrong - Ren shakes his head a bit. ]

I was worried that my feelings for you would be given for the wrong reasons.

[ Genuine? Yeah. ]

[yusuke will never figure out who it is unless it's spelled out for him]

That you feel hurt and wish to be comforted?

[he's parsing it, give him time]

[ It'll come out sooner or later. Ren's interest in honesty at the moment is strong even with its unwanted aftereffects, and knowing Yusuke Ryuji might be in for a baffled interrogation. ]

Yes. I don't need to hurt you with a rebound.

[ The breathy, hushed tone of his voice tells it all: he's not proud of it. He picks at the tattered akin around his nails, old nervous habits having come back with a vengeance in recent weeks, riding on the wave of stress and anxiety. ]

I would have hung out with my friends anyway though. I rely on you to center me, but... I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm tired, man.

[yusuke sets down his palette and brush, and slides his fingers along ren's face, brushing hair from his cheeks, framing his face with his hands. he's peering into ren's eyes, studying him, gaze almost seeming to pin him in place]

It is no sin to want to be comforted when you are feeling worn and tired, least of all from your friends. I would never begrudge you that.

[a sudden thought occurs to him, a way to express himself in the best way he knows how]

Are you familiar with the art of kintsugi?

[ H-hey -

This whole ordeal has been a big reminder than even Ren isn't immune to the goddamn dokis. Cheeks warming instantly, he doesn't have shields besides his glasses to protect hismekf from the immediacy of Yusuke's regard.

What he'll see in there? Anxiety, a well-worn pattern of sleeping too little and then too much, probably. Yusuke hasn't been with him from the start but he has, sure enough, always had a clear view of Ren and the bluntness to express it concisely and without judgement. It's what he's admired about Yusuke for a long, long time. ]

It's - [ Oh good, he didn't think there'd be a quiz today. What was that in Japanese history class, one of the days that Kawakami got him some free time... ] - the art of repairing things using gold. It's a flexible metal, so gold it pretty ideal for it.

[no one expects the yusuke inquisition!!!1]

Indeed. Lacquer ware and ceramics that have been repaired in the kintsugi technique are always readily obvious--it's hard to ignore seams of gold filling cracks and indentations where a piece was shattered. Sensei once said that kintsugi invokes the idea that something broken and put back together is more beautiful than it was before, but I don't know if I agree with that, myself. I think of kintsugi as a way to acknowledge the history of an item, even if it involves breaking. A bowl does not have to be discarded upon breaking; it can continue to be used, so long as there is some way to put it back together.

[yusuke's thumb strokes over ren's cheekbone, a gentle gesture, a comfort for him]

Right now, you are like a bowl that has been broken, and the bonds you have forged the gold that will repair you and let you be born anew. The cracks are there, yes, but you are still whole. You will not be discarded. You will just be different.

Edited 2018-07-30 16:39 (UTC)

[ It isn't fair.

Why could someone cross the wires and ruin a friendship so spectacularly when there was someone who he already loved, who loved him, and nothing had to be destroyed for it to become known?

The shine in Ren's eyes speaks equally of heartache and gratitude, Ren slamming them shut before abruptly dropping his face to bury it harshly into Yusuke's front, arms tight around him and tighter by the second. ]

Why couldn't it have been you.

Ah--

[yusuke can't hide his surprise at the sudden force of ren burying his face in his chest, and he's uncertain how to respond, his hands hovering awkwardly in midair. he doesn't want to hug him back because it'll ruin the paint, but he wants to comfort him somehow... so he holds the back of ren's head and pets his hair.

there's a part of him that wants to tilt ren's face up and say it can be and show him the depth of his feelings, make it clear how close yusuke wants ren to be--but even he knows that's not what ren needs right now, and it would be an entirely selfish act on yusuke's part.]

I... don't wish to cause you any distress like this. I'm sorry if my words had the opposite intended effect.

[ There are types of people whose bodies aren't built for too many emotions attempting to squeeze through a small space at once. Ren isn't that person - he'd raised a force a felled pillars of an unjust society without batting an eyelash, without entertaining doubt overlong, and walked into a jail sentence without any regrets about protecting his friends in doing so. Ren can handle complex emotion.

At a safe distance.

Here Ren shakes his head, face rubbing tiredly into Yusuke's chest because articulating something as simple and powerful as no, I'm just grateful to have you seems a tremendous feat for a very small, infinitely expanding moment of time that Ren, in his weakness, allows himself. ]

You're fine, Yusuke.

[ren seems comfortable where he is, shirtless and huddled into yusuke's chest, and yusuke can't say he minds it. so perhaps they'll just stay like this... that's fine, isn't it? that's not such a selfish thing to want. especially since ren seems to need some kind of physical comfort.

that's what yusuke tells himself, anyway.]

Very well. If there is ever anything you need, please do not hesitate to ask me. I would do anything for you.

[that sort of phrasing is hyperbole, but... not by much.]

Edited 2018-08-03 09:08 (UTC)

[ In any other context being shirtless and huddled into a hot guy's chest sounds like a good start to a good night. It's for the better that ren won't let himself act on that selfishness, that for all he's fucked in the head and heart right now the structures that he put into place are largely intact - Yusuke fits easily under the umbrella of his protection, so he can't let himself be a source of rain, isn't that right?

If Ren needs this and Yusuke is fine giving it to him, is that enough of a reason to take it? In his mind's eye Ren can't help but see all the moments he thought were hints to him, terrible sincerity and a gorgeous lack of self-awareness that made Ren's heart flutter with hope and he sees it again in Yusuke, but when he thinks of continuing on the idea sours in his mouth. He can't, he won't lead him on.

So how then to balance that with his damned neediness? Ren wants to tell him not to lay himself out like that, to hold something back for himself in case Ren eventually can't give him the answer he wants. Because he knows how tightly that crushes a heart.

The moment passes and Ren can breathe through the hardship with the aid of Yusuke's hands soft on the curve of his skull. Against that wish in his heart Ren sighs softly and draws away again, nodding and offering a wan smile up at Yusuke. ]

Yeah. Really, I appreciate it, Yusuke.

Um, you know you basically called me a work of art, right?

[ Nervous laughter; who'd... who'd do that except Yusuke. ]

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