artisticliberty | [reverie] inbox.

[ ((internal screaming)) but also god he loves you so much right now. Ren wants to live in the world where that infection crap apparently just didn't exist and the worst that life could throw at him was some art block. ]

You didn't miss much, honestly. Don't worry about it.

[ Hehe. He was a ghost, so. There literally wasn't anything to miss... get it... ]

And anyway I came over cuz I wanted to apologize for last time. It wasn't cool how I acted so, I want to - yeah. Sorry I let it sit this long.

... has that been weighing on your mind all this time?

[ Ren taps the open sketchbook directly over a large cross over one rough draft. ]

It's been on yours too.

[yusuke ducks his head, a bit chagrined--yes, he must be obvious, especially in his art]

That is--it hasn't been the only thing on my mind. I had some other things to think about.

[he's a bad liar, always has been]

[ It wasn't meant to be a jab at how obvious or not Yusuke was being; Ren's interest is in the wellness of his friend when he's not doing that great himself. So Ren closes the sketchbook and, choosing not to sit on the table as he did last time, slips his hands into his pockets and uses his best it's okay tone. ]

Talk to me, Yusuke.

[the tone of ren's voice is reassuring, and it puts yusuke at ease even as he's admitting something he's not entirely proud of]

I... thought that you might not wish to spend time with me. It wouldn't be fair to want to monopolize your time. And... I did not wish for you to think that I was ignoring your feelings.

When would you have been ignoring my feelings?

[ Equally as gentle, Ren wants to push back on Yusuke being so deferential to Ren when it isn't that necessary, when they'd both rather be able to socialize with one another and be comfortable with the boundaries they set forth.

Ren recognizes he was a little harsh, but Yusuke isn't exactly letting him apologize and it makes a tiny voice niggling at Ren get just a bit louder in his head like maybe Ren opened a door, was that much closer to finding the source. ]

I can say no when I don't want to hang out. I don't think you could ever be accused of monopolizing my time, and not especially when time's sorta all we have out here.

...Something's the matter, and I don't want to pressure you but if I can help I want to, if you'll let me.

Of course I want you to. I would never refuse your help. Being with you, near you, has always helped me with my problems in the past. I wanted to go to you, but I know you were still reeling from your rejection... I thought I would only make things worse.

[this kind of thinking, this feeling of unworthiness and self-doubt... it's a rare look on yusuke, who so often lacks self-awareness]

[ It isn't a good look and for Ren's typical impassivity concern makes a considerable dent, something shadowed crossing his expression. ]

Point still stands: I could say no if I didn't want to see you.

[ Is it that hard to see that Ren is flawed? He's trying to apologize for not recognizing his unsociable disposition last time, but more than that he's telling you, Kitagawa Yusuke, that you help put him at ease and that that's separate from how well he's handling Yusuke's confession.

Which he's handling. Better than earlier. He's maybe even handling his rejection better because things feel normal enough, if a bit distant with his best friend, but it isn't a subject he likes to dwell on.

Ren's head tips down, attempting to chase Yusuke's downcast line of sight. ]

Hey? I trust you.

[yusuke meets ren's gaze and lifts his own, a small smile forming on his lips]

I am honored to receive your trust.

[ There's a smile there too, albeit creased at the edges. ]

But what do you need for me to make things right?

[glancing at ren, yusuke studies him for a moment before speaking]

Would you allow me to touch you?

[he lifts one of his hands for emphasis, though that question is kind of... vague. touch where??]

[ Ren's eyes briefly track his fingertips, but there doesn't seem to be any concern about a strange request coming from Yusuke, of all people. ]

Yeah, 'course.

[yusuke closes the distance between them immediately, both hands coming up to touch ren's face, fingertips sliding along his cheeks and thumbs touching the ridges of his cheekbones. his eyes roam over ren's face with a look of intent, but he doesn't say anything, just holds ren's face in his hands. he studies him like that, memorizing ren as best he can.]

[ For his own sake Ren lets his mind go completely blank.

It's a small blessing that the sensation in his skin is less - anything to mute the source of the hammering creeping high in his throat that he can feel beat yet harder when he lifts his chin to help. No comments, no betrayal of how tenuously such scrutiny makes him feel save for the quick flutter of his eyelashes before he simply stares back at him. ]

[yusuke's heart aches to look at ren like this for so long, yearns for him, but at the same time it soothes the feelings of doubt and hesitance. he licks his lips and for a moment it looks like he's going to kiss him--but instead he just pulls ren into his arms, lets his hands wind around him and tangle into his hair, holds him close despite a slight tremble in his shoulders]

[ You are worthy.

Ren can't say it fully without speech but he tries to push the idea through sheer force of will, a stubborn refusal to avert his eyes. As confused, as unrefined his own feelings are he hasn't backed down on accepting Yusuke's, doesn't so much as flinch when it looks like Yusuke's gonna finally stop asking Ren permission for what he wants to do.

Disappointment still doesn't surface when he decides otherwise. On the contrary the intense beat in his throat triphammers at being held so dear to another, that after weeks of awkwardness and enduring the fact that he died and no one save Hajime even tried to check in on him, no one else thought that Ren might not be okay because he's always okay -

No one else tried. And when Yusuke's fingers wind into his hair he feels a barrier buckle, a deep shudder as he draws a breath and presses his face into the closest warm plane of Yusuke's chest, the weight settling in his bones and crushing him to Yusuke.

He hugs back, unable to fight any longer. ]

[yusuke holds ren close, his fingers curling in his hair, gently stroking the back of ren's head. he feels warm all over, just to be able to hold ren close like this, to feel his body, to touch him with only a little reservation.

words can't come to him like this. he just wants to express his feelings in the most honest, rawest way possible. he hopes ren can understand.]

[ What started as a moment of grief in Yusuke's arms eases as time winds on. Less fraught, less labored breathing, dangerous heat receding but staying high in his face, embarrassed at how much he needs the contact. But he has to allow it and the silent admission of how not-okay he is, the very-okay fact of Yusuke's affection wrapped all around him and quite literally holding him together. ]

I know. 'M sorry for making you wait for me.

[he speaks softly, a little choked up]

You are here now. I am sorry for doubting.

If you doubted for a second then it's no fault of yours.

[ Stop thinking that you can't be enough. Stop holding him on a pedestal and just hold him, damnit. ]

Yusuke, look at me for a sec.

[yusuke releases his hold on ren so that he can look him in the eyes, but otherwise not moving away]

Oh good, there you are.

[ In just the right place for Ren to hook a hand around the back of Yusuke's neck and pull his mouth against his. ]

Ren--?!

[yusuke's eyes widen as ren moves closer, not expecting it, and when their lips touch he lets out a soft gasp of realization. for a few seconds he doesn't kiss back, too stunned to do anything else... and then his mind screeches to a halt, and there's only instinct left. with a shudder, he grips ren tight and kisses him back, clumsy and unpracticed, but willing and eager and wanting]

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